My partner was Gemma, you know, next step for us was marriage. I'm the eldest of five, so I felt very responsible for my siblings. I was living a full life, it wasn't perfect, but I knew who I was, I knew where I fit.

I was blue lighted to whole world infirmary, but was told I would need years of neuro rehab. I was discharged from acute services, started my rehabilitation as an outpatient, I had neuropsychology, speech therapy, I had ENT, every time I looked up, I would start shaking, and I thought that was swelling at first, but it ended up being traumatic labyrinthitis. My inner ear canals would have been aggravated by the impact of the fall, it was affecting my balance.

I was very unsure of myself, very confused, I had poor insight into my challenges, and as other brainless survivors, you have to just go out in the world and do your best and learn along the way. I was struggling at home life, basic tasks that I'd once took for granted were difficult, conversations were difficult, you know, with friends, family. Kids are looking at me, where's dad? Active dad, the dad that we depend on.

Very frightening for Shannon, Rhys, and Gemma, my partner, and my siblings, you know, I had a good social network, so friends were visiting, and you could see, you know, that they were upset, you know, about what they're experiencing with me, and they were sound of mind, you know, they were frightened for my future. As I mentioned, I had poor insight during early recovery, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't fully understand what was wrong with me, and how it was going to impact all areas of my life. So I'm walking along the brain recovery pathway, I was an electrical engineer, so I had such a good wage, and I went on to statutory of sick pay, that's putting a strain on the family.

I was unable to drive, responsibilities changed within the household, and you know, I mentioned I had one of five, you know, brothers and sisters would generally come to me for advice, and I wasn't able to, and so just infected, and it affects everything.

It's a daily stamp on my pride, I don't want to hold the lads back, I think I'm letting them down, and it was just, there's a whole host of just like struggles and challenges, and the gaffer said “stay, stay, you're well thought of at the company, the lads will look after you”, but I was hiding behind people. It didn't feel right for me, James, you know, I thought I'd at the time, I just thought, you know, I'll leave, I'll get a low skilled job, but I'll be, I'll be good at it. I need to feel some satisfaction, and in this job I'm not feeling any, any satisfaction or fulfilment, it's just hard, and it's draining.

My insight was poor during recovery. Gemma, Gemma's life had been, you know, blown to pieces on every level you can imagine. She was living with a man that she'd not fallen in love with.

He was different and difficult at times. I have to say, James, I had reduced capacity, and I did not have the capacity for Gemma's needs. She was yearning for the man that she'd fallen in love with, and he wasn't coming back, and there was no way, Gemma didn't have any support.

I was, there was a good chunk of time, James, where I did develop my insight, and I was trying to act like I was okay, and it was not helpful. I was putting a mask on, and I was telling people I was okay, and Gemma really felt the brunt of that, because when people would leave thinking that I was okay, I would be exhausted, and I would actually be quite cold with Gemma, and she would see the real damage of brain injury, and the real Paul, and the impact of trying to put this front on. She sort of said, I might as well leave, you know, this isn't working.

I said, yeah, it was amicable. It was amicable, and like I say, I wasn't thinking about Gemma too much, and really about that, about that time, so 14 months after, I was spiralling into depression. I was developing insight, which was a wonderful thing, but the consequence of insight was low mood, because I could start to see the bigger picture.

Relationships with friends were faltering. The relationship with my partner, the work's not looking good, and I was just struggling, James, in all areas of my life, and you know, the most important relationship that you have is the one with yourself, and I was grieving for myself. I didn't realise that at the time.

Thankfully, one of my brothers, Mark, he came to see me, and he said, I can see you're depressed, and I'm worried about you. I'm taking you to see a psychotherapist, Paul, and I knew I needed help deep down, James, and you know, walking to the psychotherapy room that day was one of the best things I could have ever done for myself. It really was, and I really encourage others to reach out.

You know, don't put a mask on. People cannot help you if they do not understand what you're going through, and I sat with Lisa, my psychotherapist, and I would offload on the ways I was feeling, and it just felt, I felt lighter. I thought, what have I been messing about at?

This is great. You know, I've been able to share real raw and honestly, and then she was talking about the whirlpool of grief, and I was stuck in the whirlpool of grief. She gave me some context as to why I was feeling the way I was, and she was also talking about anger displacement, because I kept getting angry with people, and I know it's not their fault, and she described that, like, you know, when you came home from work, and the dog comes running up to you, and you've had a good day, and you give it a stroke, and then you've had a bad day at work, and the dog comes up, and you kick it away. It's not the dog's fault. You've just had a bad day, and do you know these things?

So, it was really enlightening, psychotherapy and this education. What I started to do was take that real raw and honest dialogue into my family, into the home, with friends, and it was helpful. You know, the amount of times I got on the bus, and I'd just look at the driver, and he'd say, “what are you doing?”

And I'd say, “what do you mean?” And he'd say, “you need to pay me”. I said, oh yeah, because I was just slow at certain things, or I'd get my groceries, and I would just stand at the checkout, and I'd just go into a bit of, like, a bit of an absence, a bit of a daze, and they'd say, “hello, are you going to pay me?”

And then I'd feel, I'd put a lot of pressure on myself. I'd talk down to myself. I'd say, oh, you know, you're an idiot.

What, you know, you're worthless. What's the matter with you? Wake up, Paul.

And it, there wasn't, that wasn't, that wasn't right. You know, it wasn't right, and I needed to cultivate kindness and compassion, which is part of my psychotherapy. But I judged myself as being less of a person after brain injury for a long time, James, and that wasn't fair or helpful either.

And so, when I started being honest with myself and others, things started to change, and it really, really, really helpful. And then, so I left work at the two-year mark, and we'd raised 25 grand for Hull Royal to say thank you for saving my life. Friends, family, we did a, we did a couple of events, and it's magic to go back to the ward and say thank you.

I've left work, so two, two and a half years after brain injury, and I thought, here I am still struggling after this brain injury, and there's nowhere where I can go where people can relate to what I'm going through. It's not, it hasn't helped me. It's not helped my family.

There must be other people out there like me.

You know, there's only you will know that version. There's different versions of you that co-exist. The way you talk to yourself in different environments, there will only be you will ever really know you, but you never really measure that.

You don't measure it. You don't measure the way you talk to yourself all the time. You don't measure your thresholds for concentration or attention or divide.

You just take your brain for granted, and I think when it changes like that, it's very difficult to come to terms with and make sense of, because you never measured these things anyway, and there's only you will ever really know you to try and explain the measure of what you've lost.

I know no two survivors will ever recover the same, but there is a lot of common challenges.

And I'm thinking, here I am, there's no way for me to go, I need to, there must be other people out there like me. And to be honest with you, James, I had a lot on my side, so I'd had access to a neuropsychologist. At the end of that two years, I had a neuropsychologist.

In that treatment, my neuropsychologist said, it's a lottery who gets to see me. That frightened me, James. Genuinely, it frightened me, because I thought, if I had not seen you, what would have happened to me?

And I've got a wonderful family. I'm really privileged with a lovely family and some close friends who support me through the dark days. They carried me, really. So I had a lot on my side.

And people do not always have these things. People are not financially set up, people do not have good family or social circles at times, and people do not have access to neurorehabilitation. Where are they, and how are they coping?

What's becoming of them? So I was at this timeline of recovery and trying to give insight into ways in which I was acting and why, because during recovery, it was hard to articulate what I was thinking or feeling. But later, when I was reflecting, I felt like I could be a voice for others, and share these common struggles, and share stories about my mental health, and putting a mask on and all this.

So I published this page, and people started messaging me, saying, will you come and see my mum? Will you come and see my dad, my gran, my brother, my sister? So I was actively going out across Hull and the East Riding, knocking on people's doors.

I mean, it was a bit dodgy looking back, I was just going to take my chanc”es and sit with them, but there was all legitimate brain injuries of survivors, thankfully. We'd sit and we'd talk, and they'd say, you get it”. And I'd be like,” yeah.”

And some of them were quite hostile. They'd say, oh, well, my family don't get it. And I'd be like, well, are you being honest?

And they'd be like, well, maybe not. I'd say, “well, you know, in my experience, being honest is really important. Are you using any coping strategies to support yourself?”

“Oh, I don't want to use coping strategies”. I'm like, “well, you know, you're going to have to, these will help. They've helped me.”

And they were more accepting of this advice, I think, from a brain injury survivor. So they said, “will you come back and see me next week?” And I'd say, “yeah, yeah, I'll come back”.

And to cut a long story short, I went to see the NHS, the CCG at the time. It took me three months to see these commissioners. And I walked in, I said, “your services for people affected by brain injury are rubbish.”

I think my own brain injury was played out in that delivery to be honest with you. And they said, all right, “what are you going to do about it?” Well, I said, “”well, I'm doing something, but I'm only one man.

I've had a brain injury myself. I need a space where individuals and families can come together and empower each other.” So they said, “okay, go away, get a business plan and come back.”

I confidently said, “I will.” Walked out and thought, I have no idea what a business plan is. Yeah, I'd been 16 years on site as a sparky, but I was passionate, James, and I was turning up at like networking events and just, I felt very vulnerable.

I have to say, you know, some of the language with solicitors and the education sort of sector was very different to what I'd experienced for 16 years on site with the lads. And so I had to just be quiet at times, listen, learn. And I actually think my brain recovery had primed me for this next chapter because I'd often felt vulnerable during recovery.

I was going out in the world and pushing myself into situations, safely, obviously, you know, but, but nonetheless, I felt vulnerable and I was ready for it. And, cut a long story short, I met a business guy. I got an opportunity to meet a business guy.

I wasn't actually going to go because I thought, I didn't think he'd see anything in me because he's very successful. And actually I went along and he is very successful. He's also very humble.

A man is called Neil Hudgell from Hudgell Solicitors. Basically, he asked me to be an ambassador for his company. I said, I will, but I need a business plan for the NHS.

And he just looked and said, yeah, I can sort that like it was nothing. It was a revelation. And he actually said, who was the, who was the commissioners you've seen at the NHS?

I said, ”oh, it was this lady called Emma Latimer. It took me three months to see her”. And he said, “oh, come to my office on Friday night, she'll be there.”

And it's not what you know, it's who you know at times.

And the way things kind of operate.

He opened a lot of doors I had to walk through and experience things and develop relationships myself. But nonetheless, he opened doors and really Neil was instrumental in the registration and sort of early relationships with the NHS. And he's actually supported us ever since.

But I always say when I'm about delivering talks at schools, universities, whatever, I always say, never undervalue yourself. Always show up. Just never know what other people are going to see in you.

And you know, if I hadn't been for that meeting that day, that I wasn't going to go to Paul for brain recovery, wouldn't have got off the ground as quick as it did. But we opened the Brain Recovery Centre in 2016. Paul is an acronym.

Positivity, Awareness, Understanding and Love for brain recovery. And really, James, that was what I was offering in the community. It just worked.

And they had the guiding principles for the charity. We were provided a space by the NHS. A year later, we were commissioned in 2017, which meant that I could develop a team.

Now I have an amazing team of 10 working at the Brain Recovery Centre in Hull, serving Hull East Riding and North and North East Lincolnshire. I mean, we have people from Market Wheighton, Pocklington, Easington. We have phone calls from all over the country.

We work with my neuropsychologist, Selen Osman. We work with Selen and her team. Want to develop publications, information around brain injury, which is on the Paul for Brain Recovery website.

And she supports, as a guest speaker, some of our family services and things. We've just expanded into North and North East Lincolnshire. So we're running sessions over there.

We work in partnership with the University of Hull for brain health information. We work with Hull City Council, East Riding Council. So we do, you know, we're working with a lot of authorities.

We have a team of ambassadors. We have a team of trustees. We have heroes who are people affected by brain injury, who come together once a month to paint the picture of brain injury.

My experience, I was 32, a male from a construction site background, for example, one of five. Whereas we know we've had a young girl, 17, stroke, 16, knocked off his bike by a drunk driver. Then we've got a 50-year-old who's had an aneurysm.

So the panel is different. There's different walks of life. And together, we promote understanding of brain injury.

We work with major trauma, we work with Goole Neurorehab, we work with complex rehab at Castle Hill. So we are part of the brain recovery pathway across this Humber region. But even if you're from the Humber region or just outside or wherever, if you just want to chat with one of our team, if you're struggling with something, then by all means, reach out.

We're always welcome to have a chat. And it's not, we don't just only support survivors, James. We also run family support sessions.

So if someone sadly has been admitted to Hull Royal Infirmary right now, they're in intensive care or they're in major trauma, mum, dad, brother, sister, auntie, uncle can access Paul for Brain Recovery independent of their loved one at hospital to come on our education sessions to start getting insight into brain injury recovery and how I support my loved one when they get home. We work with youth justice services, we work with the prisons, we work with the police, we have our CPD certified ABI awareness training. So we're delivering that to solicitors, to care home staff, to the police, to criminal justice staff, and that's really to promote understanding of brain injury and so you can best support people.

And Paul, the other thing that I know you do some work in is trying to prevent what happened to you happening to other people.

I am no less. And that was important. Really important milestone during my recovery.

I often judged myself as less of a person and I'll talk down to myself and give myself a hard time. And that wasn't fair. And part of my psychotherapy and neuro rehabilitation was learning about the new Paul, learning about my deficits and what measures I needed to put in place.

Still today, I mean, I've constructed a life that supports my brain injury. Short term memory is not good at times. Personal information can be slow, complex thinking, weird finding.

So what you won't know about me, James, is that I only experience one thought at any one time. So pre-brain injury, I remember that I had lots of thoughts going on, weird and wonderful thoughts flying through. And that enabled me to manage 20 electricians on time, enabled me to be one of five and be thinking about my siblings and thinking about what I was gonna wear at the weekend.

And I had a song on repeat and all that, the nature of the brain. I remember that. But after brain injury, I used to say to my neuropsychologist that I felt lonely, which was odd because I was blessed with an amazing family.

What I came to realise is that I'm unable to layer thoughts. And this is what the test with my neuropsychologist were able to evidence. I'm unable to layer thoughts.

If I go quiet right now, I don't hear anything. I'm devoid of the constant stream of wandering thoughts. I felt very vulnerable going out during recovery, as I mentioned earlier, because some of those thoughts are guiding you, making sense of people and environments.

But actually I had to learn that I'll have to go out in the world and have faith that I'll have what it takes in any one given situation. It won't always be polished and it won't be perfect, but it'll be enough. And do you know what, James?

It is. We don't have to be polished or perfect all the time. Just do your best and learn.

I mean, I say the wrong thing at times. I might get my sentences mixed up, but I'm just a man. I'm just trying to do good in the world and learn along the way.

So yeah, so not the same. I'm different. I've embraced being a Paul version 2.

I'm just making the most of my second chance and trying to help people along the way.

I will put a bunch of links underneath this podcast so you can check out the website and find out more about the work of Paul for Brain Recovery. So thanks ever so much for finding the time to join me, Paul, really appreciate it.